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Funny Valentine Quotes For Him

Browse our collection of handpicked funny valentine quotes for him here. Send the free funny valentine quotes for him to your loved one!

♥♥‘If you walk in front of me, I may not follow.
If you walk behind me, I may not lead.
If you walk beside me, I will be your friend.’ – Albert Camus
♥♥‘If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?’ – Anonymous
♥♥‘Basement smells bad. Look for cat poops, change litter.’
Happy Valentines Day. (note to her gardener) Martha Stewart
‘A kiss makes the heart young again and wipes out the years…’ – Rupert Brooke
♥♥‘A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.’ – Arturo Toscanini
♥♥“Love is like war. Easy to begin with but hard to end” – Unknown
♥♥“Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.” – Judith Viorst
♥♥The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.’ – Ann Landers.
♥♥‘Sales Ad at a Store: ‘You are my one and only’ valentine cards, now on sale: 4 for $5.’ – Anonymous
♥♥‘Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.’ – Thomas Robert Dewar
♥♥‘I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine’s day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning. Guys, it’s these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.’ – Anonymous
♥♥‘Love – a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker.’
Take away love and our earth is a tomb. – Robert Browning
♥♥‘A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; A woman loses hers after four. kisses.’ – H.L. Mencken
♥♥Women are cursed, and men are the proof.’ – Rosanne Barr.
♥♥‘Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.’ – Anonymous
♥♥What the world really needs is more love and less paper work. – Pearl Bailey
♥♥When I think of Valentine’s Day, I don’t usually think of a flying toddler shooting me in the butt with arrows
‘The heart has its reasons that reason does not know.’ – Pascal
♥♥We don’t believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. – Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
♥♥‘True love begins when nothing is looked for in return.’ – Antoine De Saint-Exupery
♥♥’ Love is just a chocolate substitute.’ – Melanie Clark
♥♥You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap. – Dolly Parton
♥♥‘Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.’ – Lynda Barry
♥♥“Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life” – Lord Byron
♥♥’ I feel great and I kiss even better.’ – Unknown
♥♥The Eskimos have 52 words for snow because it is so special to them; there ought to be as many for love. – Margaret Atwood
♥♥Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.’ – Mickey Rooney.
♥♥My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.’ – Rita Rudner.
♥♥Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love. I’d stepped in it a few times. – Rita Rudner
♥♥‘When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.’ – Mark Twain
♥♥‘Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me.’ – Sarah Bernhardt
♥♥“Love is not singular except in syllable.” – Marvin Taylor
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♥♥’Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely.’ – Hawkeye, M.A.S.H.
♥♥“Love is a game that two can play and both win.” – Eva Gabor
♥♥Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. – Peter Ustinov
♥♥‘Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don’t say.’ – Anon
♥♥‘I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.’
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. – Erich Segal
♥♥Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.’ – Groucho Marx.
♥♥“One advantage of marriage, it seems to me, is that when you fall out of love with him, or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until maybe you fall in again.” – Judith Viorst
♥♥“Love wouldn’t be blind if the Braille weren’t so damned much fun.” – Unknown
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♥♥Love doesn’t grow on trees like apples in Eden – it’s something you have to make. And you must use your imagination too. – Joyce Carol Oates
♥♥Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place. – Zora Neale Hurston
♥♥’Falling in love is so hard on the knees.’ – Aerosmith
♥♥‘It’s not that I can’t live without you…it’s just that I don’t even want to try.’
‘Women with pasts interest men… they hope history will repeat itself.’ – Mae West.
♥♥‘It takes a lot experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner.’ – Ingrid Bergman
♥♥‘Friendship is one mind in two bodies.’ – Mencius
♥♥“When you’re in love you never really know whether your elation comes from the qualities of the one you love, or if it attributes them to her; whether the light which surrounds her like a halo comes from you, from her, or from the meeting of your sparks.” – Natalie Clifford Barney
♥♥‘Love, like a river, will cut a new path Whenever it meets an obstacle.’ – Crystal Middlemas
♥♥‘One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.’ – Sophocles
♥♥‘All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt…’ – Lucy Van Pelt, Peanuts
♥♥‘Without love, the rich and poor live in the same house.’
To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides. – David Viscott
♥♥‘Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.’ – Unknown
♥♥‘Love is like a river, always changing, but always finding you again somewhere down the road.’ – Kelly Elaine
♥♥I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.’ – Barbara Bush.
♥♥‘It’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.’
Alfred, Lord Tennyson
‘All you need is love.’ – John Lennon
♥♥’Love wouldn’t be blind if the Braille weren’t so damned much fun.’ – Anonymous
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♥♥Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. Groucho Marx
‘If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.’
“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special you want to annoy for the rest of your life” – Rita Rudner
♥♥‘Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, falling in love with you was beyond my control’
Love is the greatest refreshment in life. – Pablo Picasso
♥♥Today is Valentine’s Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day. – Jay Leno
♥♥“Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.” – James Thurber
♥♥Without love, the rich and poor live in the same house. – Unknown
♥♥Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke. – Lynda Barry
♥♥Love, and a cough, cannot be hid. – George Herbert
♥♥Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. – Anonymous
♥♥‘Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.’ – Aristotle
♥♥‘You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.’ – Chico Marx
♥♥Love means nothing in tennis, but it’s everything in life. – Unknown
♥♥‘Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.’ – John Waters
♥♥As soon go kindle fire with snow, as seek to quench the fire of love with words. – William Shakespeare
♥♥’ Take my wife-please.’ – Groucho Marx.
♥♥“Once you have loved someone, you’d do anything in the world for them except love them again” – Unknown
♥♥‘I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.’ – Anonymous
♥♥If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin
‘Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.’ – Hoosier Farmer
♥♥I got a Valentine’s Day card from my girl. It said, ‘Take my heart ! Take my arms! Take my lips!’ Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself. – Robert Orben
♥♥’ I wasn’t kissing her. I was just whispering in her mouth.’ – Albert Einstein
♥♥“Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile.” – Sean Connery
♥♥Love is being stupid together. – Paul Valery
♥♥‘We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.’ – Tim McGraw
♥♥’A kiss is an application on the top floor a job in the basement.’ – Unknown
♥♥‘I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.’ – Dorothy Parker.
♥♥‘If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.’ – Winnie the Pooh
♥♥‘My father always used to say that when you die, if you’ve got five real friends, then you’ve had a great life.’ – Lee Iacocca
♥♥Never go to bed mad — stay up and fight. – Phyllis Diller

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